by Jim Kasprzak, Jeff Jankowski and Ron Sperber
with a little inspiration from
the Founding Fathers of the United States
Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of
beer, or prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging
the freedom of bar service, or of brewing; or the right of the
people peacably to assemble, and to petition the bartender for a
round of beers.
A well-stocked bar being necessary to the security of a free
State, the right of the people to brew and consume beer shall not
be infringed.
No beer shall, in time of heat be quartered in any house
without refrigeration, nor in time of cold, except in a manner
prescribed by law.
The right of the people to be secure in their beer, bottles,
glasses, and brewing effects, against unreasonable searches and
seziures, shall not be violated, and no last calls shall be
issued, but upon the proper time, supported by the clock, and
particularly offering the bar patrons the opportunity to purchase
and consume one more beer before closing.
No person shall be held to consume a second-rate, or
otherwise infamous beer, unless on presentment or indictment of a
large bar bill, except in cases arising in block parties or
backyard barbecues, or at a fraternity house, when in actual
celebration in time of holidays or sporting events; nor shall any
person subject for the same bar bill to be twice put in jeopardy
of cash or credit; nor shall be compelled in any drinking
establishment to purchase beer for anyone other than himself; nor
be deprived of beer without due process of law; nor shall private
stocks of beer be taken for public consumption without just
compensation.
In all drinking establishments, the patron shall enjoy the
right to speedy and courteous service, by a qualified bartender
of the establishment wherein the beer shall have been ordered,
which establishment shall have been previously licensed by law,
and to be informed of the nature and price of the beer; to be
presented with the bar tab against him; to have compulsory
process for obtaining the beer which was ordered, and to have the
assistance of the bartender for service.
In bills at drinking establishments, where the value in
controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of service
shall be preserved, and no tab presented by a bartender shall be
otherwise re-examined in any drinking establishment in the United
States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Excessive drinking shall not be required, nor excessive
prices imposed, nor cruel and unusual beers inflicted.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain beers, shall
not be construed to deny or disparage others consumed by the
people.
The beers not supplied to the bars by mass marketing, nor
brewed in microbreweries, are reserved to the brewpubs
respectively, or to the people.
