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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would
be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink
this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and
worry about my liver."
—Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in
the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day.
—Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,
they're sober.
—William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend
time with his fools.
—Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut.
—Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
—Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of
denying himself a pleasure.
—Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of
alcohol.
—Anonymous
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one
activity that truly gives me pleasure—hooking up with
fat, hairy girls.
—Ross Levy/John Beecher Jr.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency
to thank her.
—W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my
lunch?
—W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
reading.
—Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get
wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
—Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal
lobotomy.
—Tom Waits
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a ... brain
operation.
—Randee of the Redwoods
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
—Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall
asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no
sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to
heaven!
—Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or
some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a
beer.
—Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.
—Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy.
—Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
—Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza.
—Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
—Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the
world.
—Kaiser Wilhelm
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen
and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a
vital ingredient in beer.
—Dave Barry
All right, Brain, I don't like you and you don't like
me—so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you
with beer.
—Homer Simpson