The Down And Dirty on The Fruit of the Vine

I'm going to do you a big favor. I'm going to free you from feelings of inadequacy that have been haunting you since sometime in your teens. I'm going to fill you in on the greatest scam ever perpetrated upon the consuming public. I'm going to tell you what I know about wine.

The bottom line is that wine tastes awful. It's just grape juice gone south (forgive me, Dixie-whistlers). All the millions of poor slobs dutifully disguising the revolted pucker behind looks of thoughtful analysis, parroting gibberish of which they've no idea of the meaning, studying for hours so as not to be humiliated by menial restaurant employees once again, have fallen for a complex and insidious canard (see COLD DUCK). An "acquired taste" they call it. Well, you could acquire a taste for Ivory soap.

Herewith is a glossary of selected wine terms and what they really mean:

APPELLATION CONTROLEE:
French for "Trust me"
AROMA:
A bad smell that comes from the grapes; See BOUQUET
BEAUJOLAIS NOUVEAU:
Wine so awful that it isn't worth aging.
BOUQUET:
A bad smell that's added during processing; See NOSE
BRUT:
Describes a wine that sneaks up on you and stabs you in the back. Or a wine dealer. From the Latin, "Et tu, Brute?"
CHATEAUNEUF DU PAPE:
The Pope's new house was paid for by swindling buyers into paying the price for this wine.
DRY:
Hurts your throat while swallowing.
FRUITY:
Tastes like children's cough medicine. See ROBUST
NOBLE ROT:
What well-born wine snobs talk.
NOSE:
The total effect of AROMA and BOUQUET; something you wish you could hold while drinking.
ROBUST:
Tastes like cough medicine. See FRUITY
ROSÉ:
Many people mistakenly pronounce this to rhyme with José. A term for a pinkish wine, named for what an early commentator said his gorge did when he tasted it.
VARIETAL:
Having the worst qualities of a single type of grape, rather than a mixture of sins.
VINTAGE:
How many years we've been trying to get rid of this rotgut.

 

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