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Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt
front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being
applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a
mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking
technique is perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer
unusually pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at
ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while
complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on
someone else.
Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty
glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Symptom : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling
tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing
on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you
up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth
full of cigarette butts.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!