If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear
getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and
by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation, and monster trucks.
Sunday = 3D sports. It's like the full moon or the changing
of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think
of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle
hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints
don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to
miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. Therefore, what makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of thirty would
look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.
A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See
a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after seven
days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come
out.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
it done, not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
we.
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right
to complain about having their boobs stared at.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first
two months we were going out.
ALL men see in only sixteen colors, like Windows Default
Settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If it's OUR house, I don't understand why MY stuff gets
thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
We're not mind-readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about
you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not
worth the hassle.
