Feeling guilty for no reason? Of course you are...you're
Lutheran! This section is for those who enjoy a light-hearted
look at the phenomenon of being Lutheran, including unexplainable
guilt.
You only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the
season.
You didn't know chow mein noodles were a Chinese food.
During the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never
look down at it.
During communion you hum the hymns so you can see who's at
church that Sunday.
You think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally
factual.
You have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and
feel guilty about not staying to help clean up.
The pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts
exactly sixty minutes.
You make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni
noodles because they're not so messy then.
You don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall
because you think it's impolite.
Your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for
tonality.
Peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.
You make change in the offering plate for a ten.
Your dad's name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and
you are Lew Theran.
You know what a "dead spread" is.
You talk to someone else and look at their shoes first.
The only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the
sidewalk.
You know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.
You give a party and don't tell anyone where it is.
You think hotdish is one of the major food groups.
Someone asks you after church if there's any "decaf coffee"
and you laugh because you know that if it doesn't have
caffeine, it can't be coffee!
You think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant.
You freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next
week.
You think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new
car for the first time in eight years.
You hear something really funny and smile as loud as you
can.
It takes ten minutes to say good-bye.
Doughnuts are in the official church budget.
They have to rope off the last pews in church so the front
isn't empty.
you're watching Star Wars in the theatre and when they
say, "May the force be with you," the theatre replies, "and also
with you."
Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran,
too.
You hesitate to clap for the church choir or special music
because "it just wasn't done that way in the old days."
Your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.
It's time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the
aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the
aisle musters five volunteers: one to hold the bulb, and four to
turn the ladder.
You can actually come up with responses to this.
You sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its
"Cream of Mushroom soup" to "Lutheran Binder."
You pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern."
Requests you hear are preceded or followed by the phrase, "If
it's not too much trouble then..."
You know all the words to the first verse of Silent
Night in German but can't speak a word of the language.
You carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case
there's a potluck.
You have an uncontollable urge to sit in the back of any
room.
P.M.S. is defined as "Post Merger Syndrome."
The doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice
snowflakes at Christmas.
You think the communion wafers are too spicy.
Your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied
the organ.
Your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money
in the guilt department.
You think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a
gourmet salad.
Folgers has you on their Christmas list.
Your congregation's first two operating rules are "Don't
change" and "Don't spend."
You're fifty-seven years old and your parents still won't let
you date a Catholic.
You wonder why bread and wine are used for Communion instead
of coffee and donuts.
Commandment #11: If it's never been done that way
before, don't do it.
You consider lottery tickets a serious investment.
A line item in the trustee's budget is "coffee maker
maintenance."
You feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
Change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue
suit to church.
You read your Catechism and start arguing theology with
yourself because no one else is around.
You win ten million dollars in the lottery and decide to
throw a party since money is no object, so you advertise in the
church bulletin, rent the parish hall, and ask all of your
friends to bring a side dish or salad.
Every time something changes, the old one was better.
You hold your family reunion in the church basement.
All of your casserole dishes have your name on the
bottom.
You're willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at
church.
All your relatives graduated from a school named
Concordia.
You count coffee among the sacraments.
You consume some form of Jell-O at every holiday meal. you
think butter is a spice.
Rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you
check their name out in the guestbook.
A mid-life crisis means switching from the old hymnal to the
new one.
You think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is
trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!).
You tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me,
but you're in my seat."
You can say the meal prayer all in one breath,
Because the only mealtime prayer you know is "Come, Lord
Jesus..."
You think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make
for a "mixed marriage"
You sing Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus while sitting
down.
It's 110 degrees outside and you still have coffee after
services.
You automatically add "Amen." to the end of every song you
sing.
