Bridesmaids would wear matching blue-jean cutoffs and
halter-tops.
Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes
would have matching team colors.
June weddings would be scheduled around basketball
playoffs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit
that "forsaking all others" part.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped-up '69 Camaro
or some other Chevy with racing tires and flame designs on the
side of the car.
Or better yet—a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were
really old) would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of Best
Man.
Two words: tailgate receptions.
Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at
halftime or between innings.
Short ceremonies and long honeymoons.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to
the cost of the bachelor party. Strippers and liquor add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The
burgundy or the wine-colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras
from their local tavern.
Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink
passes at the local lounge.
Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a
hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza, and plenty of
barbecue.
No one would bother with the "veil routine." But they would
insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could
go.
The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral
or something.
The "bride's father pays" tradition could stay.
All dance-floor songs would be by Iggy and the Stooges, Ted
Nugent, the Smashing Pumpkins, 2Pac, and Sir Mix-A-Lot.
Invitations would read as follows:
Tom is getting the old ball and chain.
He either:
knocked her up;
couldn't get a different roommate; or
caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the
rest of his life at Soldier Field on the 50-yard line at halftime
during Sunday's game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge
after the game for beer, nachos, and pizza.
BYOB.
