The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to
offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on
how to use it shortly.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it
snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay
out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you
already know the positions of key hills, trees, and rocks, you're
better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is
plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are
you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective big ol', as in
big ol' truck, or big ol' boy.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph
zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern
folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper
speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this!",
stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever
say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals and ignore those who
do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a
Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already
turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking,
let alone eating.
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until December.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even
the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is
required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you
need anything from the store. It is just something you're
supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you
purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house.
This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish costs considerably
more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently
displayed.
Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid
defense.
