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Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears
boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he
doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I
got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My blood type is O+ and my husband's is
A-. What if my baby is born, say, type AB+?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our
baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I
contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby
move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and
even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller
during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers
smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months-pregnant
woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's
good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll
feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an
air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery
room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to
you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who
will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only—doctors, nurses, oderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them
in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from
nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new
mother's breasts.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're
thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event
of global chemical warfare.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams
she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin
to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.