Rules for Choosing a Superhero Name

  1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
  2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
  3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism, and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
  4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
  5. But don't belabor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
  6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime-fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil.
  7. Don't choose the name of an existing superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
  8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess® Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. (It's just asking for trouble.)
  9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you can't turn invisible.
  10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
  11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man—even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
  12. Don't give away important information in your name: e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable-to-Strontium-90.
  13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
  14. Watch out for Acronyms! In today's world, "Daring Unicorn Defender" will quickly be shortened in the media to "DUD Man."
  15. Be careful with colors. They can be misinterpreted easily. "Why is the Blue Defender so down in the mouth?"
  16. Remember the K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid) rule. The Protectorate of the Honorable and Friendly People goes a little bit too far.
  17. Don't use "trendy" names. Captain Pokémon may be a hit now, but will next year's Captain Furby?
  18. Keep it politically correct. Slander the wrong gender, race, or creed and the ACLU will nick you before you get started.
  19. When all else fails, just call one of the many TV wrestling promotions—they never seem to run out of names.

 

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