When they ask, "How are you today?", tell them! "I'm so glad
you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all
these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore,
my dog just died..."
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal
questions or questions about their company for as long as
necessary.
When they give their name, cry out in surprise, "Judy (or
Fred, in the case of a male), is that you!? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy/Fred a few brief
moments of pause as they try to figure out where the hell they
could know you from.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends... would you be my friend?"
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration", and
ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could
not just give your credit card number to a complete
stranger.
Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment, and
ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can
call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot
give out their HOME number, you say, "I guess you don't want
anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree
and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
momma?"
And first and foremost:
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write
EVERY WORD down.
